Throughout this second semester of language school I felt like the Lord impressed upon me that I needed to take a step back from language learning. Not to step out of school or halt learning by any means, but to step back mentally, emotionally and spiritually to evaluate if I was balancing things well.
During our first round of exams I really struggled with some identity issues and feelings that I was going to fail because that’s what I do and who I am: “I am not good enough and as such I should expect to fail”. As I write this now it feels so obvious that these were lies, but at the time they felt very real. Thankfully Adam is very perceptive and has grown very good at asking me questions to try and draw out my thoughts. When I voiced these things he was able to point me to the truth of who God is, who I am in Jesus and the fact that I was believing lies. I am so thankful for his patience and tender love towards me as I wrestled through these deep-seated identity issues.
Part of this wrestling involved going to the Lord with all of these thoughts and emotions. It was during times like these throughout this semester that I felt Him prompting me to turn some of my focus away from French and onto things like physical, mental and emotional health, as well as our kids. This was hard for me at first because it feels like we should just be fully invested in language learning since that’s why we’re living here. However, at any given time in our lives we are going to have things that are seemingly our top priority, but the reality is that there are other things that must take higher priority.
My walk with the Lord cannot be put to the side for the sake of studying longer. My marriage cannot be neglected so that I can achieve one more thing in French. Our kids, and the great gift and responsibility of parenting them, cannot be put on hold until we “make it” through language school. My mental and physical health cannot be forgotten because “there’s just no time”.
Obviously our lives ebb and flow, during certain seasons there are aspects of life that need special time and attention over others, but at all times I want to be checking in with the Lord about what HE intends for that season, not what I necessarily think is best. What He has shown me is that this semester some of my priorities needed to shift, and I needed to trust HIM for the outcome of my French studies.
I have been so thankful for this change of perspective, although I know I still have lots of room for growth in prioritizing well. Regardless, God has already allowed fruit in my French learning, my health, our marriage and our parenting as a result of this perspective shift. I have not felt as stressed about class, speaking French to people or even our most recent exams. God provided a workout program and a friend to help make physical health a higher priority. Adam and I have had regular, intentional times to connect about our marriage and go on dates. We also began working through a parenting study and more intentionally pouring into the kids, even if it seems “inconvenient” for our French studies. The list could go on, but a huge testament to this was when I was taking my big grammar exam this past Thursday.
The grammar exam is a thick packet of papers with tons of questions which must be completed in two and a half hours. Leading up to the exam I felt determined that I would study hard, but not at the expense of my health or parenting (for reference, after our first exams I got sick, felt terrible for nearly two weeks and had lingering effects for over a month). I am historically a procrastinator so late nights of cramming before a test is my typical method of studying. Last week I created a plan for how to study and prayed about it, feeling peace that this was the amount of effort and focus God wanted me to have. I studied according to my plan, but still spent intentional time with the kids between studying and made sure to get good sleep. When I sat down for the grammar exam I was well rested and felt prepared. As I began I was so excited at how well I felt it was going. Even as I encountered content that was harder or unfamiliar I did not feel stressed, but would pray and do my best to remember how to answer things.
Partway through I looked up and realized I only had half an hour left in the test. At that point I flipped ahead and also realized that I was not going nearly fast enough to finish the test. I raced through as much as I could, but ended up having to leave three or four sections completely blank. My heart sunk and I felt so discouraged. I went home and cried for awhile and told Adam all about what had happened. Familiar thoughts of what a failure I am crept in. “How could I lose track of time? I’ve been taking tests for years. This is so typical me. I’m going to fail. I should have expected this”. Again, Adam helped me voice those things early and walk through sorting out truth from lies. I brought it to the Lord and, though it goes against what I think I should be feeling, I have reached a point of peace. Not because I think it will be fine, I really don’t know that for sure, but because the Lord has been telling me this whole semester to trust HIM with French.
My verses this year are 2 Cornthians 12:9-10,
“Each time He said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I wanted to wait to write about this until I had the results of our exams, to wait until I knew I had passed despite my mistake. But the Lord reminded me that the beauty in this is not that He allowed me to pass even though things didn’t go well, the beauty is that He is powerful when I am weak. His grace is sufficient at all times and in all things. I wanted the result of my trust in Him over this semester to be that I was able to easily pass the exams and speak French fluently after just six months (haha – that’s a joke), but His intentions were for me to continue to see my weaknesses and to revel all the more in His strength.
I pray that whatever season of life you are in, you know Jesus and the sweetness of depending on Him. The sweetness of facing weakness and hardship and seeing the immense power of Christ and His deep love for us, even when we don’t feel like we are “enough”. This week I will find out if I passed or not, but regardless, I give Him the glory and pray that I can take the next step of obedience for what He has in each season of my life.
– Selina
